“Why is it that I feel like I’m most in control of my diabetes when my glucose is out of control?” Olivia rhetorically asks her NYU roommate, Lilac. Olivia continues to eat destructively and purposefully not give enough insulin to compensate for what she eats. Known as diabulimia, this condition is a serious and deadly eating disorder that requires intensive treatment. Her mother is incapable of helping, lost in her own PTSD struggles resulting from her husband’s death when Olivia was only four.
Olivia developed Type 1 diabetes during her senior year in high school. She glosses over her diabetes management as well as her current eating disorder, until both her diabetes educator and Lilac take action. Olivia is admitted to a residential clinic for several months. Rebelling against the rules, she plays tricks with her diabetes, such as detaching her insulin pump from its cannula behind the nurse’s back, to let the insulin drip out and keep her blood sugar high. At the clinic Olivia becomes friends with Claudia, a bad-ass, homeless, tattoo artist who sneaks Olivia into a bar. Although Olivia returns before curfew, Claudia stays late with one of the men, and is dismissed from the clinic, returning to the street.
When Olivia completes treatment, she finishes another semester at NYU, and declares a Communications major, where she revels in classes on Feminist Philosophy. Olivia looks to her professors as models of “women power” and uses her voice to advocate for herself. She continues to live with Lilac, who tries to keep Olivia accountable for her diabetes. Lilac has OCD, so they both have their own issues with living together.
When Lilac’s family comes to New York to visit for two weeks, instead of renting a hotel room Olivia seeks out Claudia and lives on the street with her. one night they get drunk, and Olivia’s blood sugar rises to a dangerous level, known as DKA. Reluctant to call the police, Claudia drags Olivia to the nearest hospital and admits her under a fictitious name. Olivia recovers after a few days with an insulin IV. Days afterward, Claudia introduces Olivia to some of her male friends. Rugged, smug-smiling Kevin stands out from the rest, and Olivia kisses him, eventually leading to more. They hook up a few times, until Olivia misses her period. She panics about going to the doctor. Her diabetes is still not under perfect control, but improving, and she is angry for the doctors’ telling her that she couldn’t get pregnant. Or was that she shouldn’t?
Her mother’s response to the pregnancy is avoidance (“Would you like some iced tea?”), but Lilac steps in with compassion. Concerned about how Olivia is going to finish college, Lilac deals with her fears by encouraging Olivia to stay in the apartment, and attends her pre-natal appointments. Because Olivia had elevated glucose levels during conception and the first part of the pregnancy, the baby will have serious heart complications upon birth. This transposition of the great vessels can be repaired, but the pregnancy is dangerous and the surgery after birth, traumatic. Olivia questions her ability to mother this child, still occasionally struggling with diabetes and her eating disorder, but Lilac is a source of unconditional love and support. Andrew, the baby, arrives and Olivia embraces her role as a single parent to her son. “It’s you and me, little man,” she tells him, as her determination to be a better parent and strong woman with diabetes keeps her going.